I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
that is very illegal...i love you.
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