help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
