I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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