Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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