Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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