he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
