you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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