doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
