Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
