I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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