Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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