your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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