Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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