so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
