I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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