What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
