why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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