I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize