apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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