i jhust puked up my retainher.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
