I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
