Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
