i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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