I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
