he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
