I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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