I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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