He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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