drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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