So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
