In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
