White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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