It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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