He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
