just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
