tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
