She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
