Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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