I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
