we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize