There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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