just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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