I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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