I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
