remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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