i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
