You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
