if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
