I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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