im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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