Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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