The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
