if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
