I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
