you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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