Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
