My liver just broke up with me...
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
