we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
