Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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